By Thomas Davis, DNAP, MAE, CRNA

A surgical technician came into the locker room at our outpatient center with out-of-control anger shouting, “They have idiots running this place and I’m not going to take it any longer.”  He changed clothes, walked out the door and never returned…road rage on steroids.

Anger in the workplace is something that we have all witnessed during our career.   At times it is a colleague who is irritated by a careless comment or glitch in the workflow and wants everyone to know about it. At other times, anger presents itself as full blown, out of control, road rage.  Either way, team members become uncomfortable, workflow suffers, and gossip is rampant in the break room.  If the event is a one-off, calm will be restored. However, when tension and anger are everyday occurrences, morale is destroyed, and patient safety suffers.  Regardless of your position on the team (leader versus worker) there are things that can be done to defuse anger not only in the workplace but also with people in other areas of your life.

Emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence was a buzz word 10 years ago and now has become an important skill for successful people at all levels.  In the leadership course that I teach at the Medical University of South Carolina, students learn that emotional intelligence is based on recognizing/controlling one’s own emotions and the emotions of others.   Techniques for self-awareness and self-control are relatively easy to master; the challenge is controlling the emotions of others including methods to defusing anger.

Understand Anger

The psychology and behavior science communities have done extensive research and posted publications about anger and its connection to the amygdala area of the brain.  In short, when we are stressed and something finally pushes our button, the brain responds by shifting both electrical activity and blood flow away from the thinking areas of the brain and shifts them to the emotional amygdala area triggering a flight or fight response.  We respond by saying and doing things that we would not normally say or do when the thinking brain is in control.  Therefore, the key to maintaining self-control when stressed is to be aware that you are stressed and actively keep the thinking brain in action thus preventing a takeover by the amygdala. Here are a few tips for achieving self-control and avoiding amygdala hijacks.

• Pause. 
  Unless someone is shooting at you or you are about to be hit by a
  car while crossing the street, most stressors do not require a knee jerk
  response.  Intentionally take a moment to
  take a deep breath and calm yourself.  Then,
  organize your thoughts before responding.
• Engage the thinking brain.  Rather than responding immediately when
  stressed, start an inner dialogue, and ask yourself several questions.  “Are things really as they appear on the
  surface?”  “What are my options for
  responding?”  “What will be the
  consequences of my action/response?” “What would the person I respect the most
  do in this situation?”  By keeping the
  thinking brain engaged, the shift of energy to the amygdala is prevented and
  you are more likely to make a response that you can live with.

Dealing with people who are angry.

Recall that emotional intelligence involves controlling your emotions and the emotions of others.  The first part is easy because you govern your thoughts and actions but how do you tame the anger in others?

Writing in the Harvard Business Review, author Leane Davey suggests when you are confronted by an angry person that initially you show support by NOT disagreeing or pushing back.  Use a calming tone of voice and listen while seeking to understand the emotion that is driving the anger.   Similarly, Psychcentral suggests that you NOT take the other person’s anger personally and that you focus on responding rather than reacting. 

Tips for defusing an angry person.

First and foremost, the other person’s anger is not about you.   You did not make the person angry; there may have been an issue that triggered them, however, it was their choice to respond with anger rather than reason…it’s not personal and it’s not about you.  Fighting back only throws kerosene on the fire and further shifts the other person’s brain activity to the amygdala.  So, how do you proceed when confronted by an angry person?

Force the other person to pause.  A pause gives time for stress hormones to dissipate and for the other person to regain composure.  For example, you are walking down the hall, and you are confronted by a colleague who uses an angry voice and is very upset about an issue.  Use a calm voice and say, “I have an urgent message that I have to send then I will give you my full attention because I want to learn more about what is going on.”  Then take out your phone and take a full minute to send yourself a text message.  Give the other person time to cool and regain composure.  Sometimes it’s best to schedule a time to meet later in the day thus allowing anger to dissipate.

Use a calm voice.  When stressed, we tend to speak with a higher voice pitch and at a faster pace.  Instill a sense of control by speaking in a low, slow voice.  People tend to mimic one another and often the other person will respond by calming their voice.

Set boundaries.  Hopefully the first two steps have started to calm the other person but if they remain irate, it’s time to set boundaries.  Famous FBI negotiator Chris Voss suggests using an “I” message where you identify the behavior, state how it affects you, and outline the consequences if it continues.  For example, “when you yell, I become defensive, and I want to withdraw.  I don’t think we can continue this discussion if you have this level of anger.”  Often, the person will calm out of fear of your walking away.

Listen to understand.  The single most important factor for defusing anger is for the other person to feel heard and understood.   Use body language to show interest in the other person, ask questions, and listen to understand rather than to rebut.  Ask questions that engage the other person’s thinking brain and be attentive to their point of view.   Use questions that start with “how” or “what”.   Questions that start with “why” or “you” put the other person on the defensive and must be avoided.  Always restate your understanding of what was said and allow the other person to correct you if you don’t have it exactly right.   Remember, you don’t have to agree with the other person, but you do have to understand them.

Guide the other person to the solution.  It’s human nature to get behind something when it is your idea.  Use guided questions, active listening, and allow the other person to discover the solution that you want.  Questions such as “what if”, “what would it look like if” or “how does this align with” forces the person to solve the problem.  If their solution is not reasonable, respond with “how am I supposed to do that?” and then remain silent until they find a workable solution.  When they come up with an appropriate solution, they are more likely to follow through and make it happen.

Use emotional intelligence to defuse anger.

The parable of the blind men and the elephant demonstrates that it is human nature to make decisions based on the piece of information at hand and rather than considering that others who have different experiences are equally correct.  Often, angry people do not have all the information and feel as if they are victims of something that they cannot control.  Consciously slowing the pace and taking an active interest in discovering the other person’s perspective will calm the anger and place you in a position where you can collaboratively find a solution.  Use the techniques described above to take control of your emotions and tame the wild beast in others.

  Tom is an experienced leader, educator, author, and requested speaker.  Click here for a video introduction to Tom’s talk topics.